Nice people are so cringe. When I meet people pleasers in the wild my guard instantly goes up because you know that they can’t be your friends. Why? Because when you try to please everyone you actually stand for nothing.
Now that I have your attention, let me explain. The worst advice I ever followed was to “Be nice to everyone”. The effect of following that meant that I couldn’t ever have a genuine connection with anyone. Why? Because when you deny your own feelings and needs to please others and be nice you become miserable. You don’t have anyone’s back because you don’t stand up for yourself.
I had to learn that kindness is the way. Being kind means that sometimes you are perceived as a nice person and that’s ok. When you need to though, you stand in your power and speak your truth. This means you have to value your own feelings over others opinions of you. Chasing acceptance from others brings only resentment. I know, I did it for decades.
Building authentic connection requires vulnerability. It requires losing people who are not meant for you. When you accept that people will talk shit about you no matter what you do, no matter how nice you are, then it’s so freeing. When you let go of trying to convince people you have value and accept that you are enough without approval life truly begins.
Integrity means your words, feelings, thoughts and actions are in alignment. This requires radical honesty about who you are and what you stand for. Staying silent to keep the peace is a trauma response, as is people pleasing, and it requires inner work to adjust.
Saying No when you don’t want to do something if so powerful. Not over-explaining and having to have an excuse is even more freeing. As a recovering people pleaser I can’t tell you how much happier I am now that I focus on my own well being and let the haters hate. When you let people lose you without explanation it saves so much energy that you never wanted to give in the first place.
My hope for you if you are reading this thinking this is you, is that you can start small and set boundaries for yourself that align with your inner truth. Only you know what you seek and what your path should be. Listen to that voice that tells you when something really means something to you.
When you recognize the truths of your character, you can start to build integrity. For me, this work took years of therapy and daily healing exercises. Journaling, meditation and changing my inner monologue were all key to this process. If you are just starting this journey I send you strength I know is already in you.
Remember you are a powerful being and capable of more than pleasing others. Please yourself and then accept the abundance that comes with that. Now I can stand up for myself and my chosen family. Just being who I am empowers others to do the same. Also I scare the shit out of abusers because I have a zero tolerance for bullshit. Nice is bullshit. Nice is cringe. Be kind. Be you. And take no shit from anyone else you beautiful witch.